Chapter 812 Explosives

"That man ruined us all, got his wife and children all tortured to an unimaginable degree before being mercilessly killed… and all just for that thing called love." A small but sardonic and painful laugh left his lips. "I despise him even more for saying that. Because he made me despise everyone who ever sacrificed everything and had no care for whoever that got hurt just so that they could be with the ones they love and desire."

He let out a shaky breath next. His grip on her tightening slightly again. "Over the years, I watched many others do the same. They sacrifice, ruin, hurt, break promises and kill – all in the name of their love and desire. And those people became the ones I hated the most. To me, they were nothing but selfish creatures who only thought about themselves." His tone was full of emotions as he voiced out what had been buried within him.

Another silence followed his confessions. This was the first time ever that he had expressed all of his feelings and thoughts on this out loud. It had been building up and accumulating inside of him, being supressed and pushed deep down that now that it had been given an outlet, it just poured out, unfettered, until everything was being let out.

"For almost seven hundred years, nothing has ever swayed me. Nothing managed to waver that very firm convictions that I had on this matter. My will to never become someone like my father was stronger than anything else. My will to never let anything ruin my carefully laid out plans and break my promise to myself was something that was never to be compromised. Everything was… going smoothly according to my plans. And I had proven to myself for hundreds of years that my father was the one in the wrong, that desire is not something impossible to control…" he paused after that long outburst and a seemingly tormented groan rumbled from deep within his chest. "…until you came… until you came… Alicia." Her name fell from his lips like a prayer. The way he uttered it would make anyone's heart who was listening ache unknowingly.

He was immobile and silent for a long while before opening his mouth to speak again. "Everything was still fine and under my control at first. The very first time I saw you, I knew I needed to stay away from you. So I did. I did not allow myself to trip… not after so long I had managed to remain unmoved. The temptation had been extremely strong though, but I managed to keep my distance and keep myself under tight control. It was hard but still tolerable. I've considered you as the ultimate test on my personal self-control and I was determined to win like always. I've watched you rot away in Zeres' arms. I've watched silently, without making any moves and let you sacrifice yourself for him. Though I knew back then that it definitely was not the end for you, and that I knew your death was meant to happen, I was nonetheless… inexplicably shaken by that event. Still, I managed to reign over my own reactions and feelings."

"But then… you appeared earlier than expected in my house as a spirit. I was determined not to touch you and return you back to your physical human form. Because I had a feeling that touching you would be a bad idea… it would be precarious to my health, both mentally and physically. Perhaps, I already felt that you've always been the one and only danger zone I needed to avoid at all cost. While you were prancing around my house happily and freely in your spirit form, I fought the urge constantly to reach out and hold you when you sometimes just sit on the floor like some lost spirit without anywhere else to go. I had planned to only touch you when the final day comes. But you suddenly start turning more and more translucent. Even though the prophetess had already informed me that you would still be there when that day comes, seeing you seemingly starting to disappear just totally terrified me. I kept having that deep seated fear that if I had let you be… that if I did not intervene, you would forever be gone. I touched you earlier than I had planned, telling myself that nothing would happen… that nothing would go off according to my original plans. Confident that I could reign over myself like I had always done."

"Then… you had gone ahead and kissed me and that was all it took for my walls to crumble. The walls that I had built for almost seven hundred years were falling apart just like that – as though you had blasted through my defences with explosives. And I could not seem to do anything about it. F*ck… I've never… fought against myself this hard in my entire long life. I've been caught off guard and f*cking overwhelmed by how strong my desires for you are. To the point that… for the first time, I've actually thought of just giving in and… become someone I goddamned despised and hated. I am tempted to ruin everything, break everything… just so I could have you… and be with you. It's… f*ck… Alicia…" a low rumbling came from him as he stopped speaking.

Suddenly, his trembling hands around her froze. His body turned completely still the moment Alicia moved and hugged him back, gripping him so damned hard.

He pulled away a moment later to look down at her small and fair face. His eyes went wide as he stared at the tears that were falling like a waterfall from the corner of her closed eyes. "You… you're awake…??!" he uttered.

And Alicia opened her teary eyes. There was a wealth of emotions that were shining from her shimmering eyes as she stared into his grey eyes. She looked as though she had many things that she wanted to say, but her mouth kept opening and closing yet no words came forth.