Chapter 235: 112

"Comparison is the death of joy." -Mark Twain. 

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Zamiel tried to get up again, but failed. Irene put her hand gently on his shoulder. "Please, Zamiel. You are going to cause the wound to open even more." 

He stopped struggling to get up and let his head fall back. He was panting while holding his chest. 

More blood seeped from the wound on his chest. Blood should normally be bad, but in his case it was good. She just needed to stop him from trying to move. 

"You will be alright." She told him when he looked at her with pleading eyes. "You will be alright and then you will see Heaven again." 

He turned away from her and stared at the ceiling. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "I have wondered how I got so lucky to meet a wonderful woman again and fall in love. It always seemed too good to be true. Maybe… this is how lucky I will get." 

He turned back to her. "I want to be able to say goodbye this time. I want to look at Heaven and tell her how much I love her. I want to make sure she is alright. I want to..." He stopped and grimaced in pain. 

"Say no more. Heaven is alright and I will let her know how you feel."

Irene knew how she felt. She knew why he was so desperate to see Heaven. He wanted to free her from her guilt before he died. He wanted to let her know that his feelings for her remained the same. 

Zamiel grabbed her hand that rested on his shoulder to keep him down. "Will… you… let me see her?" 

Irene didn't know what to say. She could be making a mistake if she didn't let him see her and he died, but she could also be making a mistake if she let him see her, and his condition got worse. She was torn, and she looked at Ilyas for help. He didn't seem to know what to do either.

Zamiel's grip on her hand loosened, and he started to lose consciousness again. This time, she didn't see relief in his eyes before he disappeared. She saw fear. He didn't want to go before seeing Heaven. 

Irene panicked. "He is not dead yet. Is he?" 

Ilyas shook his head, coming forward. "He is bleeding again. It is a good thing." 

Hopefully now, while he was unmoving, he would heal before bleeding out. 

Irene and Ilyas kept watching him in silence. It felt like forever before he finally stirred in bed again. But it was only for a short moment, and then he was gone again. Irene thought she would get a heart disease from all this. She couldn't relax even for a moment, but after long hours of watching over him, she somehow fell asleep by accident. 

When she woke up and realized that she had fallen asleep, she panicked. 

Zamiel?

She quickly turned to his bed, but it was empty. He was gone. Her heart dropped to her stomach. He must have gone to see Heaven. 

Where was Ilyas? 

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Heaven lay in her bed, curled up under the sheets. She wasn't sleeping, but she didn't feel awake either. She just felt empty. After drowning in her own pain and Zamiel's pain for too long, she became numb to all of it. She just stared emptily in-front of her, feeling dead inside. 

Someone as weak as her, someone who didn't even have the strength to stop themselves from hurting their mate, didn't deserve to have one. She had stabbed him with her own hands, and of all the places, she stabbed him in the heart. Just thinking about it made her chest feel tight. 

And the poison. She remembered the pained look in his eyes and wished the ground would open and swallow her. But she didn't deserve to be released from this shame and this pain. Not when her mate was suffering. She deserved to suffer as much, and now she didn't know what felt worse. To feel pain or to feel completely numb? 

Her parents were somewhere in her room. They had tried to talk to her, but their voices seemed distant. No words reached her ears. The only words she wanted to hear was that Zamiel was alright. Nothing else mattered at this moment. 

In her absent state of mind she suddenly felt a chilling cold and then heard the distance gasp of her mother. 

"Zamiel."

Zamiel?!

Hastily she turned in bed and sat up. Her eyes searched the room until they found Zamiel. He was standing in the middle of the room, looking pale and pained. 

Heaven didn't know what got into her, but she jumped out of bed and ran to him, wrapping her arms around him. She had told herself she would stay away, but at this moment, all rational thoughts fled her mind. She was relieved to see him alive and be able to hold him. 

"Heaven." His voice was filled with pain as he wrapped one arm around her. That is when all of her emotions came back and hit her hard, knocking all the air out of her lungs. 

"Zamiel." She pulled back, but he kept his arm around her.

Heaven gazed up at him. His face was pale, his lips were purple and dry, and his hair was wet from sweating too much. As he held her close, she realized how cold his body was. Colder than usual. His breathing was uneven, and his eyes looked tired. 

She was the one who put him in this state. She was the one who caused him this much pain. How could he hold her so close and not look at her with hatred, disgust, or at least mistrust? 

"I did this to you." She said, tears filling her eyes. 

He shook his head. "No, you didn't. You would never hurt me." 

Tears rolled down her cheeks. It pained her so much to hear those words, knowing that she did almost kill him. 

He wiped the tears away from her cheeks with thumb and then grabbed her face with his icy hand. "I am sorry you had to go through this. I am always failing to protect…" 

She covered his mouth with her hand to stop him from saying what he was going to say. He shouldn't talk about failing when she was the one who failed.  "Don't say that." She felt ashamed to even look at him. 

"You shouldn't be here." She said, afraid that something would happen again. She wouldn't take risks again when he finally survived. 

Placing her hand on his chest, she tried to push him away when she felt something wet under her palm. She turned her hand over; it was stained with blood. 

Heaven looked at his chest. Blood was seeping through his white shirt. 

"Zamiel. You are bleeding." She panicked. 

She thought he came here because he had already healed. How stupid of her to not think!

"You have to go. You can't be here. Are you trying to kill yourself?" She pushed him away gently, but he grabbed her arm instead. "Zamiel! You have to go or I will." 

He pulled her closer. "Don't leave."

The strength in his grip didn't match the weakness in his voice. 

"Don't...leave." He repeated, wobbling slightly and dropping his arm. 

"Zamiel!" She grabbed his arms to prevent him from falling, but she wasn't strong enough, and he fell to his knees. Before she could do anything, he quickly grabbed her wrist, as if he was more afraid of her leaving than the vulnerable state he was in. 

"Can I… be selfish once and ask of you to stay by my side… when I am leaving." 

He could barely breathe as he spoke.

"You are not dying." She said firmly. It was almost as if she denied him death. 

She tried to pull her hand away, but his grip was even stronger this time. How could he hold her with such strength when he couldn't even speak properly?

"You have to let me go." She tried to remove his hand with dread, but he refused to let go. 

Instead, he pulled her down on her knees so they came face to face. She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Please." She pleaded. She was panicking. He was going to die because of her. 

She was the selfish one, hoping he wouldn't die when he was in agony. Refusing to listen to him or stay with him because she refused to let him go. 

She didn't know what to do. It felt like whatever she did would have great consequences. She had to find out if there was hope, but at the same time, how could she give up hope. How could she give up on him? 

She shook her head. For a brief moment, she hoped to take his place, but then she remembered what losing someone he loved again would do to him. She felt completely helpless. 

Zamiel slowly let go of her hand as if giving up. 

No! 

What did this mean?