Chapter 124 Dawson’s journey

“Don’t ask me something like that. I haven’t met her, let alone talk to her.”

This was what one of my seniors in the knights’ corp told me.

The moment I heard those words, an invisible blade seemed to pierce through my chest.

As to why, before I had spoken up against Duke Armenia’s daughter, I had met her but almost never spoken.

“…Dawson. To lash out against a woman like that, to disturb her life and join others in belittling her…as a knight, can you really claim that you were correct?”

That was something Mother said to me once.

That and what my senior said to me kept ringing through my head.

…Perhaps I was wrong.

Finally, that was the thought that came to my mind.

When I thought about what she had done to Yuri, I couldn’t help but flare up in anger, but even so…what I had done to her was still unjustified.

Although I could be proud as a man, as a knight–

So I wanted to bring an end to the affair. I challenged her guard.

“…The relationship between us isn’t so shallow that you can hope to clear it up just like this.”

My considerations were revealed quite easily. Not only that, but I earned myself such a judgemental final word.

It happened at the training session…well, actually, it happened several days after I had tried my skill.

“Why did you do something like that?”

That’s what my senior said. The string of memories came to my mind.

Everyone around me kept chattering, on and on, without end.

The time that I wasn’t working coincided with that of my senior’s. That’s how I was brought out to a hotel on the streets.

It housed the kind of bar that you could find anywhere on the market.

I hadn’t come to the bar itself, but because Duke Anderson liked interesting, fresh things, I had hung around the hotel itself several times.

“It was because I wanted to bring an end to things.”

I told him all the memories that had come to my mind as well as my own thoughts.

After I said that, he took a deep breath.

“You really are an idiot.”

His words made me angry. I couldn’t help but furrow my brow in frustration.

Seeing my reaction, he flashed a resigned smile.

“I have to ask you. What do you think Lady Iris would think if she heard something along the lines of ‘I don’t think I was wrong, but I treated you wrongly’?”

“That…”

“So you wanted to bring an end to things, and you challenged her guard? Anyone would wonder what the hell you were trying to do!”

“I tried to ask for forgiveness more directly. But I couldn’t even get a chance to see her…”

“That’s true. If you mention wanting to meet, she’ll of course think you’re up to something and be on her guard against you. Plus, your apology will only be shallow. Compared to that, you should spare your time for more interesting things.”

“It’s not just a shallow thought of mine. I had repented. As a knight, it’s not something I should have done.”

“Yes, yes. From earlier I’ve been asking this of you. If you were in her shoes, if you had been shamed like that, what would you think?”

Hearing him ask me that, I was speechless.

“I don’t think I was wrong, but I treated you wrongly.” If she heard me say that, what would she think?

Each time I thought of Yuri, I felt that the whole thing was unforgivable.

An apology for the sake of apologizing was hollow.

“See, isn’t it shallow? There’s no heart to it. If you apologize like that, the receiving party will see that everything that’s coming out of your mouth sounds pretty but means nothing. Plus, for the person apologizing, maybe you’ll be able to move on quickly…but the one wronged can’t do the same. As to why…well, apologies are a chance for the wronged to give the other side another chance, a chance to start over.”

His expression was extremely serious.

“Because of your own willful ideas, you want to give her more pain. That’s what her guards were trying to tell you. That’s what I think.”

“…The relationship between us isn’t so shallow that you can hope to clear it up just like this.”

Is that what he wanted to say?

But my senior’s words overlapped with his.

From his point of view, my apology might seem incredibly ridiculous.

Don’t think that you can be forgiven so easily.

Don’t think that you can just brush things aside like that.

“…What should I do?”

“Don’t ask me. What do you want to do?”

Saying this, he threw his head back, finishing all of his beer.

“I said this just now. If you apologize like that, you’ll only be thinking of bringing things to an end for yourself. You’re saying sorry, I didn’t want to do any of it, I just followed the crowd. But you were the one who made your own decisions. Think about it from a deeper, wider angle. What should you do, what can you do.”

We drank for a bit longer before parting ways.

After arriving home, I kept recalling his words.

Everything that had happened up to now, and everything that might happen in the future.

I thought for a long time, but couldn’t come up with anything.

…What have I done. What do I want to do?

I kept thinking, kept turning it over in my mind. Finally…

“…I want to understand her.”

That’s the conclusion I came to.

I don’t understand her. In that case, the best I can do is try to understand.

Understand what she’s done, what she wants to do.

Just like that, I obtained permission to take leave. I began to travel.

I started on my journey to understand her.